Peanut Butter and Chocolate

I defy any proud nerd out there to say this isn't something you'd love to see in movie form. Don't act like you haven't had this dream. We all know that Logan could kick Biff's ass any time. Now make like a tree and SNIKT!

The most vile, retarded "Father" in the universe.

I just read an article about how some idiot named d'Armond Speers taught his son Klingon as the poor kid's first language. He spoke only Klingon to the child till he was 3. I really think that Child Protective Services should intervene here. He has basically, permanently, disabled this child. His brain is now wired....HARD WIRED....to think in Klingon. Sure, he could learn whatever language they speak where this poor child lives. But his native language will ALWAYS be Klingon! This child will now have a permanent impediment to understanding his regionally native language. This kind of thing sounds a lot the like the really horrible early psychology "experiments" done by people like B.F. Skinner. There is a reason these kinds of "experiments" are considered unethical. So good luck Baby Boy Speers. I hope you don't suffer more from your "dad's" massive stupidity. Although, you can't call someone who would do this "Father". Unfortunately, unless you can be removed from this situation, you are more than likely to have other horrible, unethical, and cruel "experiments" performed on you. For that I am sorry. And hey, d'Armond Speers, go fuck yourself you malevolent retard! I love science fiction too. I REALLY do...but you are a fuckwit. It's called science "FICTION" for a reason. Klingon is not real, nor is it acceptable to believe it is. It is not a vaild or useful language. Get a fucking life. I wish you ill.

2012: Gotta pee? Tough shit..this one's a bladder buster

Haven't seen "2012" yet? Well too bad. Don't read on if you don't want any spoilers. But really, spoilers won't matter as there is very little plot. And what "plot" there is is mostly dumb and in many cases, simply tacked on to add "Character Depth". Listen, seriously, this movie is not to be taken seriously. It's dumb, loud, and just plain awesome. Take your brain out and see it on the big screen where the surround sound can render you deaf and the explosions can burn their way into your retinas. Thats what it is all about. So whats bad about it: The length - this fucker is 2 hours and 40 minutes long, the plot, the extraneous family crap, the horrible science, and the theft of plot points from other movies (Drinking game: chug a beer every time you see something stolen from another movie...man you'll get wicked pissed and have to go to the emergency room! Woot-woo!). The good: the special effects are fucking righteous and the destruction. The destruction was cool. I LOVE destruction movies. However, I was a little taken aback by seeing all the little digital people plummet to their deaths from bridges, buildings and what not. I kept getting little "9-11" flashbacks and that made me a little squirmy. I also got a little tired of the escape plane flying below the earthquake edges. It seemed like they REALLY needed to pull back on the yoke. Some high points for me: The jumping limo, the jumping RV, the subway train shooting out of the wall of the earthquake and flying over the escape plane, the Yellowstone explosion. The movie left me with a lot of questions like would someone in a submarine survive? Why did they put the arks in china? Why did the Russian chick have to die - it seemed strange? Did Dog the Bounty Hunter say aloha to Hawaii before it went all Pele? Could Chuck Norris have side kicked the earth into submission and saved everyone. Where there any porn stars on the arks? Why was the guy played by Oliver Platt such a douche. It seemed like he eviled up only so that the bad guy from "Serenity" could have his "Hey! Don't be a douche! Let everyone into the arks!" Speech. Also, if you ever build an ark like that , don't make is so you can't turn on the propellers if one of the doors is open a crack. Just dumb. Oh yeah, if you fly around giraffes and Rhinos under a helocopter in the himalayan night air they will die. Dumbass.

1989 Here I Come!

Oh baby! Lately, I have been looking for a pair of retro hightops. I wore shoes like this all through highschool and college. Man, they were comfortable. Well Airwalk and Payless shoes have come to my rescue. Once you get rid of the lame Starfleet logo on the laces (It looks removable) then these blue bad boys rock. And unlike other brands (ahem, cough Nike, cough) they dont cost several hundred dollars. For that kind of money, they's better come with a "happy ending". So soon, they will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine. If only British Knights would come back. Then there would be peace and happiness throughout the universe.

UPDATE: British Knights are still around and not hard to find on the web. So there goes my theory about universal peace.

Douche on the Loose

Gather my children and you shall be told
Of someone who lived with his mother
And he was thirty four years old!
“Thirty four years old!?” you exclaim
With a snort and a scowl. Yes my dear child
It’s true and it’s foul.

But that man’s no child! There’s no way that’s true!
But alas little buddy, between me and you,
He lived with his mommy, there was nothing we could do.

Well, he could have lived near and he could have lived far
But he convinced the whore Sleeza to buy him a car.
And when the whore cheated, as we all knew she would
What did Douche do? Well, he did what he could!

He sweet talked his mommy and moved his ass in.
He lived in the basement with a shit eating grin.
He didn’t pay rent, not the douche, there’s no way.
He got off scott free, not a cent did he pay.

He spent all his money on booze, pot and pool
And made his poor mommy into a blind fool.
Despite her all her rules, the second she left
He brought the whore “home” and put his dick in her cleft

To top it all off, you know what he did?
He moved his sweet car into Mom’s own car shed
And where did Mom’s car go? Youre scratchin’ your head?
Well out in the street. What’d you think? He'd rather be dead!!

So the years passed and he saved up his dough
He bought a house near his brother, away did he go.
And theories were passed about who really bought it
Was it him or his mommy? It shouldn’t matter or ought it?

It really does matter who paid for that house
As the whore he will move in and not a good spouse
To put a tail on this story: like the train’s own caboose
Everyone should beware of the Douche on the Loose.

THEY (Sesame Street) are out to get me.....

So remember yesterday when I got a little mental about Cookie Monster? Well I log in this morning and this is what I see in my browser:

Apparently, they know....

I have had to pee REALLY bad today and I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. Who will be waiting for me in there? Staring at me with his cold, dead, googly eyes?

G.I. JOE: The Rise of Oh SHIT! BOOM!

OK. I admit it. I'm a full on retard. I saw this one in the theater and today...I bought it on DVD. It's not the worst movie I own. Hell, I own "Battlefield Earth". That movie is so bad that every time someone watches it God kills a kitten. But, in my defense, in the 8th grade, I LOVED that book. This was before I knew about Xenu and junk. So sue me. And sue John Revolta. Shame on him for raping, in the heiny, that great book. But I digress. G.I. Joe is better when you forget the G.I. Joe part and just imagine it as a cool actiony movie. Which it is...for the most part. To fix it: 1) Remove all relation to G.I. Joe. 2) Shoot Marlon "Movie Death" Wayons into the sun. 3) Time travel back to that fateful day and poke Brendan Fraiser in the eye on the way to the set. Shame on him for stopping that movie dead in its tracks with his corn pone "Cameo". I'm going to coin a term here: Blameo. A Blameo is when a "famous" actor has a "cameo" that has the effect of stoppingthe movie so they can scream "BLAM BITCHES! Look at me! I'm in "Insert shitty movie title here!" I hate those. Seriously. They are lame. Stop it. And also stop remaking and or reimaging movies. We liked them (or hated them) the first time. So Hollywood, fucking stop it.Back to G.I.J.:T.R.O.C. It was fun-ish. I genrally didn't hate it. Which is sad.

This rant was brought to you by the letter "Fuck"

So I was sitting here eating some sugar free cookies that don't make me fart too much. I was thinking about the Cookie Monster and about how now he spouts off about how "Cookies are a sometimes snack". That is so sad. Fuck that bullshit. Cookies are a goddamn all the motherfucking time snack you screwed up Sesame Street Mother Fuckers! Yeah, kids are fat. Well maybe that has more to do with the fact that, in many households, both parents have to work to get by and that kids can't play in their front yards any more because perverts abduct them. So yeah, kids are more chunky these days. But the fucking Cookie Monster is not the fucking Tofu Monster. Where is the goddamn wonder of being a kid? They ought to let Oscar the Grouch take care of the fucking pervs in "his way" and fix the economy so a parent can be at home. That would help more than castrating the Cookie Monster. Let that blue bastard eat all the mother fucking cookies he wants. C is for "Cookie" and that's damn well good enough for everyone. Fuck that shit. Give that son of a bitch all the cookies he wants. You only get to be kid once. Shit...I bet Burt and Ernie aren't even gay anymore.